10 Ways to be a Better Dom (part 1)

A brief note:

Defining the One True way is an exercise in futility. Domination and submission come in as many flavors as there as there are people who enjoy them. My thoughts and ideas have been cultivated from my life, a life largely been driven by those things *I* find enjoyable. And while I can say with a great deal of certainty that these words hold true for me, they may differ greatly from the experience of others.

Enjoy.

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10) Know yourself.

You can't expect someone to try and please you when you don't know what you want. Yes, exploring what feels good with someone is an important part of building any physically intimate relationship – but laying in bed and hoping she figures out what makes you feel good is not the best tactic in establishing dominance. It makes you look indecisive and uncertain. How can she trust you with her body when you don't even know your own?

Give her guidance. Direct her. Don't be afraid to grip her hair to hold her still or to move her where you want her to go. Trust me, she won't mind. Understanding your own desires also provides a powerful advantage in another respect – the better you understand what makes you feel good, the more information you have to apply towards making her feel good. Yes, everyone is different, but all humans share some basic physiological pleasures.

9) Grooming is Important.

If you want someone to believe you have what it takes to make them want to submit to you, you have to look the part. Actually, that's not quite true – on the list of necessary requirements for being dominant, this is not that high; personality is much more important. But how you dress does matter. Looking the part doesn't require a specific mode of dress, which is a matter of taste, but that you find a style that works for you.

Style can cover a wide range: leather chaps and nose studs, jeans and a polo shirt, or a three-piece suit. They all work. My personal style owes quite a bit to NE (my long hair, the silver ring on my right hand, and the newly acquired steel chain around my left wrist)

Personal grooming counts. Details such as keeping yourself clean and smelling nice are important. Trust me, there is a time to be dirty and a time to show you understand personal hygiene. And if you're not going to trim your nails, be cognizant of their length when you're going to be knuckle deep in someone. They can hurt someone in a way that is more irritating than pleasurable – and you'll have no lovely bruises or pretty marks to show for it.

8) Pay Attention.

There is a difference between humoring someone and listening to them – and there is a difference between listening to someone and paying attention to them. Next time you are in a conversation with a friend, notice the way they listen. Are they even looking at you while you speak? Are their eyes on yours the entire time? Is their body posture open and relaxed, or positioned with intent? Subconsciously we can always tell the difference, and most of the time people don't want another person's entire regard upon them. It can be uncomfortable, unsettling.

But there are times when it is essential. Moments when it is important that the person you are with understand that they are the full focus of your attention. Because when they can feel your attention on them, they feel exposed, valued, and connected.

Learn the art of really seeing someone. Of watching someone with intent. Notice the details, like the way her eyes crinkle when she laughs or the way her head tilts to the side when she doesn't quite follow something you've said. Listen to not only hear her words, but how she phrases the she words she uses. Listen to the tone of her voice and how it changes depending on the topic of discussion. Ask questions that mean something, questions that tell her you're not only listening, but learning about her. Everything, and I mean everything, she tells you will help you later when you have her laid open before you.