When I was twelve, I told my family, “I’m never going to marry.”
They laughed and told me I was too young to know what I wanted.
When I was fifteen, I told my friends, “I’m never going to marry.”
They laughed and told me that it was just a matter of time.
When I was twenty-three, I told my colleagues, “I’m never going to marry.”
They laughed and told me that I just hadn’t found the right woman.
I’m twenty-nine and still not married. It’s not from lack of opportunity or interest in having a partner in crime – I simply think that most modern marriages are not treated with the respect they deserve by those in them; I think there are better paths to follow in cementing a relationship. Still, another tenant I tend to live my life by is, “Never…say never.” I don’t see myself getting married…but you never know what life is going to throw and I’m not the type to let others limit me – much less myself.
Which brings me to my main thought – I have difficulty pigeon-holing my relationships with people.
People like to categorize: Lover. Friend. Close Friend. Best Friend. Acquaintance. Work buddy. Fuck buddy. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. College pal. Companion. Colleague. Neighbor.
Sometimes categories are useful. Such as, “I’m going out with my friends tonight.” In a broad stroke, you’ve described the group of people you’re going to be spending your evening with. People have a general idea of what a friend is.
Where these categories are less useful is at that stage in a relationship where one party wants to define what is they ‘have’. There are multiple problems with defining a relationship based on a category:
1) You are letting society set limits on what your relationship is. Assuming a title comes with a lot of pre-defined baggage. Friends don’t have sex. You shouldn’t fall in love with your fuck buddy. Boyfriends and girlfriends should be exclusive.
2) You and your partner may have differing ideas of what a ‘lover’ or ‘girlfriend’ is. Categories are convenient but can be misleading. The better path, in my humble opinion, is to be as honest as possible when deciding what a relationship is going to be. If it comes down to setting boundaries on it, be explicit. Public displays of affection are fine. She wants to kiss other girls? Fine. Kiss other boys? Not without permission first. Calling me when I am out late to ensure I am alright? Shows you are caring. Calling another six times to check in on me? A bit…over-attentive for me. The key is to be clear about what you and your partner want and make sure the other person understands the important lines you are drawing.
Everyone lives by societal rules to some extent – unwritten definitions and rules make it possible for us to interact. But is there a need to blindly accept the dictates of others?