Something a little different today – I am going to share some writing that is not my own. They belong to someone quite special. Through her, I learned a lot about myself. And still do.
Because of the length, I have broken it up into two parts.
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How does it feel to be submissive…his submissive? I don’t like to talk about. Why would I? It’s private, between him and me. But I have a homework assignment, and I know what happens to me when I ignore such things.
It is the most erotic thing, to be taken down under the knowing eye and sure hand of someone you trust and love. In fact, I get incredibly high when we “play”. It is like a drug. I hope here to explain at least partly why it makes me feel this way. But, writing this is difficult for me because I have very little idea of how it is for anyone else; he has purposefully sheltered me so I would come to love and understand it on my own. We have been involved in this way for seven years; him as dominant, me as submissive. (it makes me wet even thinking of it in those terms, for, again, I seldom talk about it). In the earlier years, he would always say, when we would “play” or have a scene, he had so much more to teach me. I always wondered, what? I am fucking turned on, I burn with it. I knew how to let go…not for a long period of time, but I was learning him and what he expected of me and how it made me feel. We would go out in public while I was under. It was very difficult for me and often I did not really stay down. He knew this of course, but he was letting me find my way. He trusted me enough to know that given enough time I would learn how to stay down. You go through the motions long enough and you will find it. (if he is good, which he is). I get it now…he had so much to teach me about reaching down into myself (I am still learning). Not about “we could do this or this”. That was not what he meant. I mean, does it really matter if you’re bound with silk or cuffs or will alone? It’s mostly a vehicle to a feeling.
How does it feel?
We rarely have to opportunity to be together when I am dying for it…drowning in the need for it…just to have my hair petted or have his hand on my shoulder while I am on knees with him above me. When we are together now, often I am somewhat boxed off. It has taken me years to find a middle ground where I don’t entirely close myself off to him. But I am a strong, career woman, in control of my life. It’s harder for him to get at me. That’s not to say that he can’t, don’t misunderstand me, but it is harder.
He used to start with something small; a hand on my neck, a backrub.
Now, he is much more interested in making me take an active role in it, own it. I had no stake in it before; it was up to him to start me. I would sit back in reap the benefits. This isn’t to say that he wasn’t hard on me, but I thought I could always handle whatever he would give me. This began to change. Each time he would take me down, he would force me to go further, deeper. Now he starts with me much differently. He asks me to describe something I thought about when getting off that day while taking off my clothes for him. Being a private person, this telling of my fantasies is still fucking hard for me. Or maybe without warning, he bends me over and spanks me for something I said at dinner. This is different from before, because he is forcing me to deal with the anger that I feel on my own. Hell, yes, I get angry at him. Most of the time I won’t go down without a fight, but often I fight it in my head, now. He knows it. Sometimes he asks where I am just so that I verbalize it and can deal with it easier. But the fight makes with end result so much more amazing. Anyway, this active role has made me not as naïve anymore and I like that. He likes it too. Things that he would allow me to get tripped up on in the past are unacceptable. I have to be more capable. I can’t pause to answer a question just because I have to say the word “cunt”. There is a certain level of confidence in myself and in him that has developed over the years because of it. Afterwards, I get so fucking prideful about how I was for him. That makes me high, so fucking high. Of course I have been reprimanded for that. But that is only a part of it.
NE