"…you remind me of what I was when I was younger.
You're this touchstone of the darker, wilder parts
of me – parts that it's easy to forget when I'm swept
up in a job, a house, a marriage, thoughts of children.
Everything about my life screams 'grow up… you
need to grow up' but then you're there to remind
me that I was younger once, and free, and innocent,
and looking at the world through unbiased and eager
eyes. Most of the time, I just feel so jaded. So
'mature.' Yes, I'm happy, but as we grow older, most
of us do yearn for our pasts… for lost youth.
The difficulty, I think, lies in keeping that part of your
soul alive, and always, in some respect, staying young
and wild. One of the things I'm afraid of with having
kids is that I'll lose my own identity. I'll become
someone's parent – the epitome of uncool. I'll forget
what I once was. It's melodramatic, but it feels
almost like willingly drowning myself. I want those
cool, sparkling depths… but it has this feeling that
I have to say goodbye to air forever."
How far would you go to keep a promise? A promise to awaken someone should they quietly acquiesce to a life of structured limits.
—
When was the last time you were truly excited about something?
I'm not talking about the small joys found in awaiting the release date of a movie or looking forward to the late days of Spring when you can start wearing short sleeve shirts.
I'm speaking of those moments we await with almost giddy anticipation. Moments that leave us both nervous and excited at the same time. Moments that feel almost dangerous with all the potential the future holds. In many ways, these moments aren't real – they exist outside of our lives, they rise above our routines and daily grind.
But in one very important way, they are life. They are the moments that, when you are in them, make everything else feel less real, less important. What you experience in those moments can cut deep. They are not without cost. To act is to leave ourselves vulnerable and the dangers of success are often far greater than those of failure.
Finding these moments gets harder as you get older. They require a certain amount of innocence, a lack in awareness of life's expectations. As we grow, we become fettered, attached to the people and things in our lives. We strive for comfort and stability in our lives. And yet, there are knives sharp enough, ideas strong enough, words seductive enough, to tease us out, to draw us to the maelstorm's edge.
There are days where I imagine I've been honing my edges be sharp enough, strong enough, seductive enough, to cut us all free.
…again, I ask:
How far would you go to keep a promise? A promise to awaken someone should they forget what it feels like to be alive?
I have to disagree with you on some points and agree on others. I am formulating… will have to post more later :)
kisses
What do you consider a moment in your life that you felt this way?
A moment when I felt awakened?
For me, these moments often come when I am closing in on someone, when I so close I can almost taste the blood under their skin. All senses are alive, my attention is focused, and I feel most keenly the precarious edge I am poised upon.
The last time I felt that?
Well, now that would be telling.
How far would I go?
It would depend on how much I felt for that person.
But for someone I loved, I’d go however far it takes.
You ask two questions here. I’ll only answer one.
The last time I truly felt that giddy excited feeling was on Thursday last week. On my way to meet a man who might have changed my life completely. We met. It was marvelous .. beyond wonderful. All nerves were alive and well used. We parted on good terms.
On Friday, he decided not to go any farther along that particular path.
He seems to prefer Catholic guilt, the pain of needing , wanting .. to the actual release.
I must say I was stunned. He had not shown that side of his personality to me in the several weeks we had talked before then.
But I did let myself in for the hurt , for the experience. I’d rather find out than spend my life wondering “IF”
I am, unfortunately, the person who looses herself easily. I look to things like your sharpened blades to keep me awake, aware. Words that keep me alive and a deep inner desire burning.
I am also lucky enough to have a Master who is willing to go to the ends of the earth to make sure that I am present, fully alive and yearning for more.
Did I write that? I have a vague memory of writing something like that, once.
If it was me, you shouldn’t worry… you of all people know that it isn’t a drowned dragon, it’s a sleeping one. To everything there is a season, my Lestat.
Your words, ma petite fille.
Just do not sleep away the best years of your life. Each day is a promise unfulfilled.