Want to know the secret?
Pay attention to the person. See them for who they really are – not just the surface, the clothes, the smile, and the pleasantries of small talk; see past their civilized veneer and social masks; see the insecurities and the human frailty. See and accept. Listen to what they have to say. Notice the details. Understand their desires and fears. If you can do all of this, they are yours.
It is that simple.
I understand that when you bite the inside of my thigh, you are telling me where you want my teeth.
I understand the effect whispered words can have while you are being held utterly still.
I understand that crossing lines is dangerous because it is addicting; being bad feels good; being very bad feels even better.
I understand the hunger for anonymity; a stranger’??s seductive voice telling you what to do.
I understand the cutting edge stark reality can bring, driving feelings both harder and deeper as more is revealed.
I understand where the true danger lies, in the addiction of hunger – in the moments of indecision that lead to places you hadn’t realized you wanted so badly to experience.
I understand that some scenes need weeks or months to build to, while others have to be satisfied after a few frenzied verbal or written meetings.
I understand that sexual boundaries can be driven and enjoyed in e-mail and on the phone, but nothing beats real fingers wrapped around your wrists while being kissed until you a??re breathless.
I understand what you need and am not afraid to use it against you.
Yes. I’m back. Words still etched upon my brain. And then this. This understanding you have. I understand those things, yet have nowhere to share my understanding. My ramblings are read, but my knowing is kept in check. No one knows these things about me, and that is lonely.
God, how fucking stupid does all that sound? Very. But the right person would get it. And get me. What do I do? Find that person. Wherever, and however.
I’m going to vent on your journal because I can’t vent on my own, since the person I’m going to vent about occasionally reads it. I hope you don’t mind.
I am beginning to wonder if getting married wasn’t one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. On the whole, I see nothing wrong with marriage. But when the person you’re married to has the emotional maturity of your average 6th grader, can’t relate to you emotionally, and doesn’t have a dominant bone in his body…
I want children. Time is ticking. But I’m starting to think I don’t want them with HIM. He has no patience whatsoever. I ask him a question about computers, which is HIS specialty, not mine, and he laughs at me and tells me I’m stupid, which I am most certainly not. I shudder to think, sometimes, about raising children with him as a father. He has no empathy and, as aforestated, no patience… two things that are essential to raising kids. We are more or less sexually incompatible, and aside from the fact that he cooks and does laundry and makes twice what I do, he’s virtually useless to me. He provides no moral support, no emotional support.
The caveat is that I don’t think I would fare much better with anyone else. Everyone has their pitfalls, don’t they? In my experience, most men share the same shortcomings, as evidenced by the mass, sympathetic rolling of eyes when one woman tells a group of her friends about some inane thing her husband did.
I’m three decades into my life, and I am no closer to knowing what I want from it today than I was when I was 10. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time, only to end up in the middle American dream as a cubicle rat in an uninspiring, menial job. There’s so much I wish I’d done sooner… I know it’s technically never too late, but I don’t have the inner fortitude to change my life that radically at this point.
I can’t be alone in feeling that way… can I?
Of course I don’t mind you posting here. Consider it your castle-on-the-rocks away from home.
And you’re wrong. You *do* have the fortitude to make the changes. I know parts of you better then anyone else, and you do have the strength it takes.
Yes, nothing is more scary then diverting from the path – especially the one worn into a grove by your own circular steps. But change is what makes us better. To stop taking chances, to stop shouting (whether to a crowd or into a void, it matters little except that you can hear your own voice), to stop trying – that is a sin even I cannot condone.
So start at the beginning. Despite what you’ve said, you are closer to knowing what you want: You want children. You want a partner who is sexually compatible. You want respect from the person you are sharing your life with.
I’ll add to that. You want to feel alive. You want to remember what it is like to be excited about tommorow – not just when tommorow is a special day, but when tommorow is every day of your life. You want to travel. You want to explore yourself. You want a meaningful job.
I know it is not easy. But at some point, you’re going to have to look at the balance of your life. The cost of convenience is paid in the worth of your dreams. Tommorow, if you were handed a note that said ‘You’re time is up’ – on the whole, was the price worth it?
If not…what do you have to lose by trying?
*sighs* yes. yes. yes.
I agree with everything you said… it’s taking that first leap that’s so very hard. SO very hard.