I always want more.
More than that, I want to want more. I want to be insatiable. I want to be lean from hunger, let the weight of my desire hang heavy inside of me. I want it to drive me.
Can we be too comfortable in our excellence?
I don’t want to be comfortable. I don’t want to be at ease. Periods of rest become months of sleep, a drowsy lethargy towards life. Being good isn’t enough. Because you will disappoint yourself. No matter how good you are, those moments when you are not wondering if you really are as good as you think, you are thinking that you should be doing better than you are.
It always comes to this. Words and words to hone my knife, to give courage enough to cut away my pretensions. I take a savage glee in slicing deep, slipping the knife under my skin and peeling it back to see the marrow of who I am. I move fast, least I pause to consider the possibility that there is nothing under the surface, that I will cut myself into nothing.
But that won’t happen. There are already words to replace the ones I have cut away, already new, fresher ideas to settle over myself.
I want recognition, I want validation, but I don’t want to ask for it least it sour the taste. I want it heaped upon me, the riches I so obviously deserve.
That laughter in my eyes you always see? It is because I find myself endlessly amusing. Because it is hard for me to take myself seriously. Because I know the secret to life, and it is that everything is fucking ridiculous.
I want to be unique. But only to myself. I want to privately know how special I am, because if I leave it unsaid, it can remain true even in the face of evidence to the contrary.
***
Do you see who I am to be, yet?
Honesty is not simply saying what you think, it is questioning why you think it.
My knives are sharp, children. Don’t come too close.
Carve deep, for such penetrating intimacy is the element of your style I love the most. Comfort is a conscious choice to slumber in superficiality and is very different to rest. Wield your knife with reverence; the anatomy of the soul is to be approached with fine awareness and Mastery.
Welcome back. I missed you and this post illustrates why. I could easily reiterate what Magdelena said, though not as lyrically, and to what avail. While I only know you through this blog, I am certain of the fact that you are unique, that you will surpass, that you will not go gently nor allow your partners the luxury of leniency. You will continue to question, to be amused by yourself; it’s your nature. And as long as you continue to share yourself with us, I, for one, will be happy to pay tribute.
Thank god your back…we’ll all be careful of your knives, but are you now ready for the summer to begin?
I am.
All I can say is… WELCOME BACK, D’jaevle!!! You have been missed!
Ah, the wolf returns bearing red red roses. Please don’t throw me in the briar patch!
Take care,
Melanie
Well what a welcome surprise!! I had not been checking your site and suddenly.. you are back.
I am extremely glad .. missed the words, thoughts and idea you toss out to be mulled over.
I suppose we will be careful of the knives.. certainly you are not!
Regardless.. you were missed and it is great to have you back!
Welcome back. It’s nice to know that your sexy voice hasn’t completely faded away.