My relationship with NE and her husband is an interesting one.
My friends don’t understand it.
My family doesn’t need to know about it.
But it works. So far, it works. A large part of this stems from a foundation of truth between all three of us. It is also fairly significant that we all are very compatible. I meet a need of NE’s that Bear hasn’t been all that interested in. We have lines of respect between us that make it clear where we each stand with each other and there’s plenty of friendship and love to fill in the gaps.
As mentioned, Bear hasn’t been all that interested in engaging in the type of play that NE and I share. NE and Bear have a very healthy sex life and he knows her body better than anyone, including me (my main focus is on the larger sex organ, the brain). He’s a smart, compassionate, capable person and I am proud to consider him a friend.
But dominant? Not particularly.
Last week, after dinner and on our way to see a movie, NE turned to me in the car and shared something I know was difficult for her to admit. Our play was spilling over, soaking into the fabric of her daily life. Her sex drive and her needs in this area were becoming ever more intricately linked.
I couldn’t help it. Only a bastard would smile at this (and the discomfort it was creating for her). But I am a bastard. I smiled and then pointed out that I had warned her of this at the beginning. Five years ago, when our play moved from the flirting of two people attracted to each other into the serious play of two people building a real connection, I warned her that she would eventually have trouble keeping this from affecting the rest of her life. The deeper she went, the deeper her needs would grow to become.
Sigh. She didn’t believe me then, and yet today she has no problem shooting me accusing glares for not giving her enough of a warning.
Because of this, NE and Bear are becoming more interested in sharing this area of play between themselves. As anyone involved in this lifestyles understands, there are levels and layers to this that allow every couple to find a fit that suits both involved individuals.
This conversation led to a – well, not really an uncomfortable silence, but perhaps an awkward pause – before NE managed to get out that Bear may be asking me for tips.
Ah. Me as a BDSM mentor. I’d dabbled before, but never seriously. I will agree that some personalities better lend themselves towards having a dominating bent – yet I also believe that a great deal can be taught if someone with the right will to learn.
Last Saturday, I gave him his first lesson. All three of us were returning from dinner – Bear was sitting in the back; NE was in the front next to me (as I drove) and behaving in a manner that indicated she wanted to be put in her place (you know the signs: sarcastic responses, biting witticisms, irritated aura of coiled tension). I turned to Bear and said, “When she gets like this, you need to remind her of where she stands with you.”
I slid my fingers through the back of her hair and tightened my grip to draw her head back while pulling her body into a taunt arch against the car seat. Her breathing immediately caught and her eyes closed. “Just do this. You don’t even have to look at her. Just grip her firmly.” Indeed, except for the initial glance in her direction, my eyes never left the road. I held her in that position for another few moments and then let her go.
If this story is to have a moral (and considering its’ source, that is debatable), it’s this: Setting yourself up to be played with by the two most important men in your life is dangerous. What will she do if Bear gets good at this?
Damn, D’jaevle, you have really put yourself and your relationships with NE and Bear out there in the open. I applaud you for being so honest.
I have always been curious about how the three of you interact but being the shy, polite woman I am, ahem, never would venture into that area unbidden, but now that you’ve paved the way………
I am sure you did warn NE, we women are quite capable of believing what we want to despite the most dire of warnings. You question what would happen if Bear gets good at this, and perhaps you suspect one possible answer, that she would longer need you quite as much or at all. Who knows, like you prepared her for this spillling over into more and more aspects of your life, perhaps you should prepare yourself for that possiblity.
Personally, I hope the three of you share many more years together, exploring all the myriad of possibilities. There is more then one way to live, I also am your biggest fan for not bowing to convention, for living your life on your own terms.
The future can be effected by the flutter of a butterfly’s wing, who knows what it holds. but you, D’javele, are ready to face your life head on.
Yeah. Whatever.
Cool for NE. It seems to me that she is beginning to have two men in her life exactly where she wants them.
That is far more delicious than fruit salad, however mindfully consumed.
Wow. Sounds dangerous for everyone involved…but a step forward in some ways, too.
Remind me to be sarcastic more often ;)
Gypsy – to be quite honest, I don’t feel at all threatened about Bear’s growing interest and competency in this area. The truth is, I know my strengths quite well; it is my nature to be good at this. Because I *love* it. My position in NE’s life is never an assumption – it is always an act of will and design. It is in this that I trust my place in her life.
CG – You are right; I like to remind NE just how lucky a girl she is in having two men paying this kind of attention to her.
CJ – It’s not that dangerous; I wish I could say it was more illicit then it sounds, but the truth is that it isn’t that much more complicated than any other group dynamic situation; if anything, because everything is in the open, it is of stronger ground than many other simpler relationships.
What will she do? Bask, of course. Mmmm, bask.