Knowing Beauty

Tips on being a Dom, #27: Knowing Beauty

Sexy and beautiful women know they are sexy and beautiful.

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My first successes as a Dom were born of instinct, a bit of experience, and blind luck. Instinct in the form of selfish desire and a need to exert control to get what I wanted, experience in the form of learning from each successive attempt, and blind luck in finding women who were willing to go along with my pretensions while I figured it all out.

What experience taught me was what worked and what did not; I had enough common sense to keep doing what was working and to stop trying what didn’t. A fine strategy that worked for a while, but really, I was just pretending to know what I was doing. In time, what was an act became reality. For me, learning any skill follows a similar process – you keep practicing, going through the motions of what works, trying to do something and then one day you’re no longer trying – you are doing it.

One of the distinctions that define that line between me pretending to be and actually being, Dominant, is when I not only knew how someone would react, but also understand why they would.

One thing I’ve learned? Women know when they are sexy and beautiful.

The other evening I was having drinks with NE, her husband Bear, and his brother. Bear’s brother was discussing how his wife was trying to lose weight (she’s quite thin in my opinion) and how she often remarked that she wasn’t that beautiful.

“She may say that, but she knows.” I put out the clove I was smoking and finished off my sour. “Sexy and beautiful women know they are sexy and beautiful.”

Bear shook his head, looking at NE. I followed his glance and smiled, “Her too.” NE knows she is sexy even though she may often look for assurance of the fact.

I couldn’t get Bear to agree with this; NE would often say she wasn’t feeling particularly pretty, or that this person or that person was much more beautiful than her. Bear was under the impression that if he didn’t reassure her, she wouldn’t have any idea just how pretty she is. After a good twenty minute discussion, we interrupted her conversation with Bear’s brother to ask. Under my gaze and the helpful affects of four glasses of wine, she was completely honest. She did know she was beautiful.

The truth is simple. Women who do not think they are sexy or beautiful are not going to remind themselves of this fact by frequently asking about it.

Women who do know they are pretty will often act otherwise because they may be looking for reassurance of the fact during a bad-hair/I have nothing to wear that fits me/I cried all night and have red-eyes, moment. Or they may just want to hear from someone they care about that they appreciate and recognize them. They are not asking out of ignorance of the truth. Because at their core, they know, they know, they have it. In fact, it is the knowing that is partially responsible for making them so alluring. It is this knowledge that makes them move a certain way, flirt a certain way, make love a certain way.

I have been careful here to not give many details on what I consider sexy and beautiful. This is intentional. There is no easy definition for either. Beauty is not inherently found in wafer thinness or platinum hair; sexy is not restricted to exotic looks or long legs. It is found in the eyes, and the words, in the curves and the attitude. It is in how innocent they really are, how devilish they can be. It is in a flash of skin, a smile, a dance, and a willingness to be brave. To some extent we cannot escape society’s definition of beauty, but that is just one part, one element of a whole – an element that isn’t even that important when lined up against everything else.

Incidentally, this knowledge has led to another of my quirks. I don’t make idle compliments. When I remark on how nice someone looks in a particular outfit it is because they really look fucking stunning. When I mention how silky someone’s hair is it is because I am imagining how nice it would feel tangled in my fingers. When I tell someone that I think they’re fairly clever it is because I think they may be just clever enough to keep up with me. I never give a compliment I don’t believe in with absolute conviction.

I am the same way with apologies – I hate making apologies just for the sake of making one. It renders the words and sentiment behind them, meaningless, which is a capital crime in my book. Apologies should be given when they are meant.

But that’s another topic entirely.