Do you ever write stories in your head? Like when you’re rehearsing a difficult conversation you need to have. You forget your lover’s singing recital because you were busy flirting with the redhead at Starbucks and you spend several minutes picturing yourself explaining yourself to your lover – what you will say, how expressive your face will look, the gestures you will make to emphasize how large the men were who knocked you out and left you for dead.
And then there are the martyr stories you tell yourself when you feel like you’ve been unfairly blamed. You get angry. You get depressed. You tell yourself why it wasn’t your fault. You justify your mistakes in your head by pointing out where things could have been saved if only someone else had stopped it. You remove yourself from the process in an attempt to nurse the budding anger towards everyone else who brought you to this place of guilt.
All these almost-real stories, lingering in your head.
I am constantly spinning dialogue and stories in my head. At any given time I’m reliving some stupid argument the way I want it to go, running dialog from something I’m writing, plotting for a work in progress or something I want to write for my House. It’s noisy in there. Naughty too.
Ha, Freya. “Noisy” and “naughty”.
Really, is there any other way to be?
When I was younger I used to think about what my life would look like if it were a movie. I would see it from various angles, pan out, close up, ariel shots, slow mo. Constantly telling myself stories while walking in the woods…I think it’s an incredible skill to take it into adulthood, and not let it turn into an angry voice of resentment.
Whenever it sounds like that, I try to shoot it in the foot, personally. It usually can’t limp fast enough to keep up, you see? (laughs)
Lots of almost real stories spinning in my head.. constantly revising them .. a few on paper but none good enough for my eyes to approve of.. distracitng me far too often!
But in a delicious, decadent way.. a naughty secrect held safely in my mind.