Month: March 2007

Journey

There is a moment that I believe most of us share. A moment where we see someone, reflect on their appearance or behavior, and think, ‘I’ll never let myself look like that,’ or ‘I could never let myself do that.’.

Life has a way of mocking that kind of thinking. Inevitably, we end up acting just like that. Looking just like that.

I’m a strong individual (some might simply call me stubborn). I consider myself unique (don’t we all), but I’ve come to understand that placing myself on a particular path will undeniably lead to results similar to those experienced by everyone else who has walked the same path. I’ve always assumed that my nature will protect me from the changes inherent in certain lifestyles. And, to an extent, it has and will.

But it won’t eliminate the changes, merely mitigate them.

Which means, when I consider my life and the choices ahead of me, I need to consider the frank reality of what changes will accompany each path – and decide if the person I am at the end of that road is one I want to be.

—

Like last year, it is time for me to take a month off and give myself enough space to decide where I want to go next with this small dark corner of my world. Should I continue experimenting with audio posts? Should I try my hand at longer stories? Should I keep my posting schedule, or pull back? Stay with the topics I feel comfortable with, or expand into other areas? And, of course, just how much longer do I want to keep writing here?

I invite you to send me your thoughts and questions. If there is anything you are curious about, ask. If there is something in particular that you’ve enjoyed, now is the time to tell me. Place a comment here and I promise to answer each one when I return in May.

Answers

Answers, I have them all.

How to land that perfect job? Got that covered.
Troubled love life? Not a problem.
Is there a God? Get comfortable, this one could take a few minutes

Next time you’re at a bookstore, go to the self-help section. Count the number of books they have on making a new and improved self. So many answers, and most of them for 19.99 or less. And there has to be something to them, right?

The difficulty isn’t finding answers. Answers are cheap and plentiful. Truths comes in shades of grey, each nearly as valid as the last.

The tricky part is finding the right answers for you.

Our problem, as a society, is that we settle. We discover an answer on our own, read one in a book, or catch it on Oprah – and then we embrace it. If it’s a close enough fit for your life, it may even stay with you for a while.

Close enough, for me, isn’t good enough.

Because even if I find the right answer today, more likely than not, it won’t be the right answer for me next month or next year.

We evolve. Situations change. Self-discovery opens new possibilities. Answers, like life, must be malleable. Must be adaptable. For me, the only absolute is that there are none.

Oracle and Sin-Eater

The closing of space is mutual, the decision to breach intimacy through controlled violence less so. Kindled necessity, sparked by the span of my fingers in measuring the distance between your throat and breasts, a reflection of the prophecy you inhaled before my hand ever found your skin. I am forced to read you from the inside, interpretation divested of meaning, a distillation of truth that suffers in comparison to your sins.

—

Innumerate, the paths you betrayed, a brutal sundering of limbs until a single road is laid stretched before you.

What dark visage did you imagine awaited you at its end?

I already know the face you hope to see. You would treat with the devil in the hope his lack of mercy is enough to make you bleed real tears. His are the true lies, the honest deceit, the silk beneath the amber, and he can cut deep, deep enough to exhume what nestles closest to your heart.

he will eviscerate you.

His fingers will never touch your entrails to see the unspooling of your life. He will not condone your hopes or give credence to your fears. He will not tell you of promised love or chances lost. All becomes irrelevant when your future belongs to him. He will rearrange your insides until they mirror his own vision of what you are to be.

It is bloody work, and once it is complete, he will lick his fingers clean.

“Consider it a lesson.”

Some lessons are harder than others.

—

Faith: is there anything that I /can/ do that you would want?

D’jaevle: Tonight? No. The cost of having you is in your flesh, in the naked offering.

Faith: the thought of you hard,… even considering wanting me,… makes me feel weak, wanting. I’m aching, wanting my legs to be spread apart, so that I can be entered.

D’jaevle: I am sending you to sleep with an ache to match my own.

Faith: *whimpers*
Faith: I /need/ the feeling of being entered…

D’jaevle: Some things will have to wait.
D’jaevle: I am patient.
D’jaevle: I go to sleep, or rather, to linger in bed and envision. And then sleep.

Faith: you’re going to make me insane….

D’jaevle: Good.
D’jaevle: Now sleep. Or rather, go lay in bed and think of being on your knees.

Faith: you’ve made me ache so badly…
Faith: please.. can I at least give myself some release? Even as inadequate as it is?

D’jaevle: No.
D’jaevle: Tomorrow, yes.
D’jaevle: Tonight, no.

Faith: God.. I will go insane. I don’t know how to sleep like this.

D’jaevle: Consider it a lesson.

What do you offer the Wolf?

Only once has this act been taken to completion; only once was I taken by surprise and tipped over the edge. Some women have an ego about it, a sense of pride, believing their skills unique and determined to prove it.

It is an exchange power, a delicate offering that can be gentle and brutal. With hands buried in your hair, ownership of this act is in question, poised on a fulcrum between possession and the possessed.

You tease with teeth and parted lips; I tease with the blunt side of my blade.

—

What do you offer the wolf at the door?

A rose, your throat, or something…more?

[audio:Djaevle_BedtimeStory_7.mp3]
D’jaevle, Bedtime Story– Embraced