10 Ways to be a Better Dom (part 3)

If you'd like to read the entire list as a single post, I've added a link to it under Other Whispers, on the right.


4) Plan Ahead.

When the occasion calls for it, plan ahead. I'm a big fan of spontaneity, but there are times where it pays to think ahead.

Example: Before NE's most recent scene, I bought her a gift certificate for a local wine store and told her to select a nice bottle and bring it with her. The day before the scene I spent several hours reviewing bondage knots (the French bowline knot served nicely) and the day of the scene I spent a few minutes preparing the bedroom: removed all but the base sheet from the bed and then cleaned the room of any items that might be distracting.

I'm not suggesting you be constrained by a detailed plan. But be prepared. My scene with NE evolved organically, but when the moment came for me to tie her spreadeagled to the bed I had the rope on hand and knew how to use it. And the wine served as a nice aperitif along the back of her thighs and the tender place behind her knees.

Planning is part of control. Control the circumstances and setting and you're now that much closer to controlling the actual scene. Exerting your will is often as simple as taking the time to think ahead and having the drive to execute your ideas. Details matter. They tell the person you are with that you are paying attention (see number 8), that you value your time with them, and that you know what you are doing. This invites trust.

3) Create a Sandbox.

Create a mental sandbox for her to play in. You start with structure.

Structure evolves from rules. Rules are the boundaries that define the sandbox, giving it shape and depth. They make it real. And rules always serve a purpose (no matter how arbitrary they may appear to be): they are the silken rope of your resolve wrapped so closely around her they become a second skin. Each time you enforce a rule, bring her to task for disobeying, you are tightening the ties that bind her to you.

She must feel safe. This place you create for her must make her feel protected from everyone and everything.

(except you)

She must feel that when she in this space, you will take care of her. That she will endure no unintentional harm. 

The key is found in the dichotomy of creating a safe place to cut her apart, of placing boundaries so that she can find the freedom to let go.

2) Practice.

I've never had a knack for pure book learning. I need real-life experience to understand new material and put all the pieces together.

To be the person you want to be – which, for the sake of this list, means being a better Dom – you have to train your subconscious mind. Our lives are filled with patterns, habits of interaction that are ingrained over time. You come to expect certain responses in your day-to-day routines. There are a common set of reactions to normal (and semi-normal) behavior. You greet someone with a handshake, hug, or hello. When you smile, you get one in return. Holding open a door for the person behind you may get you a 'thank you' or a nod. 

And when you tell someone that what they really want is for you to make them crawl over to you and beg for punishment, more often then not their skin will flush, their pulse will quicken, and their body temperature rise. After an intense scene, running your fingertips of their lips will find them parted, seeking to bite and taste.

You need to learn this new set of responses. You need to know what will happen when you have someone bound and exposed. You need to know what words will leave them trembling and vulnerable. You need to understand what they are thinking while they wait for your next touch.

And this takes practice. Don't be afraid to try things. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Make her tell you what is going through her mind. Make her explain exactly what it is she wants. Have her show you how she likes to be touched.

1) Be Unafraid.

Once you've done everything else: you know what you want and how to get it, you understand both your limitations and hers, you've set the scene and are ready to take her apart. Once you are really ready to play –

Don't hold back.

Use her weaknesses against her. Exploit her vulnerability. Take what you want from her and leave her craving more.

Holding back is the cruelest thing you can do. She wants you to take her apart and sample each piece. Depriving her of this pleasure is a punishment in itself. She wants you to have control and to use it for your own pleasure. Her pleasure feeds on your own, just as your needs are driven by hers.

Feast on her and understand the true pleasures of dominance.

7 Responses to “10 Ways to be a Better Dom (part 3)”

  1. Kes Says:

    Thank you for this glimpse through the “fourth wall”. I do not find the excitement dimmed for learning how the feat was prepared. It would not matter if I sat in the audience and watched the set being built, saw the scrims and gels set and cued, when the curtain rises and the rites begin… there is only the breathlessness of the kiss withheld, the promise of pleasure and exquisite torment to follow. When a Dom does as you have described, you are enraptured by him. It is a practice between both players, yet even the most preliminary rehearsal can contain a potent magic. Between the two of you, you create a space of sacred rapture.

    I very much enjoy the way you savor your words, crafting each sentence as if it were a caress. Thank you for sharing your vision.

  2. Rudy Mills Says:

    Hmmm…this would be cool if I could find someone to try it on…how about some help finding one of these cold-hearted feminist types?

  3. D'jaevle Says:


    I think that somewhat misses the point.

    I’ll admit I enjoy a challenge, myself. Seduction is an art, and succeeding against difficult odds is rewarding.


    Seeking a cold-hearted feminist type is not the way to go. This isn’t about reducing someone. Or proving someone else’s ideals wrong. Or showing them the error of their ways.

    This is best explored with someone you like. Ideally, you find someone you can learn and grow with.

    And if you’re still not sure what this *is* about, then you’re better off surfing PUA forums and watching bad Matthew McConaughey movies.

  4. elizavetta Says:

    My god. This is beautiful. I’ve been reading you for some time, but it was this series of posts that finally urged me to comment. Your poetry is sumptuous and I have cried after reading some of them. But I also cried when I read this, and for a long time afterwards, I couldn’t figure out why. Why would a how-to type of article (admittedly extremely well written) bring me to tears? And I finally realized that it was because this is also a heartrending poem in its own way; an offering of love. Thank you for writing it, for offering it.

    Rudy, poor anonymous Rudy,
    One doesn’t find someone to “try” this on. I agree, PUA forums are probably a better use of your time.

  5. Gray Lily Says:

    I just found your website and I am in awe. Thank you for the beautiful writing and the clear, insightful ideas. I will spend many hours reading your archives, I am sure.



  6. D'jaevle Says:

    Kes, Elizavetta, and Gray Lily,

    Thank you.

    In truth, being a good submissive is just as difficult as being a good dom (if not, at times, more so). But there are some advantages a new submissive has over a learning Dom: because of the D/s dynamic, it feels more natural for a dom to train and initiate a new submissive; the opposite (a submissive breaking in a new dom) is counter-intuitive – but still possible.

    Hence, a few tips for the aspiring dom, to help them along.

    And as Kes mentioned, revealing the process does not take anything away from the magic. I enjoy the process of cooking as much as I enjoy serving the meal.

  7. Jimbo Says:

    Thanks, im an aspiring Dom and this article has helped me realize a few things.

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